Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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