Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize