I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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