Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
