If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
