What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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