Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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