Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
