eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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