Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize