Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
