do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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