he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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