i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
