Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
