Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
