I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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