You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My breasts were aching with rage.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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