My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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