Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
