he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
