the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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