The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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