Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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