it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
