I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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