I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
