Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
