my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
