so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
