Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
