If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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