I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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