May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
