Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
