turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
