i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
