he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
