My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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