thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
