I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
