I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize