Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
