Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
