I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize