The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
