Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
His hands were made for my vagina.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
