Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
