Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
