It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
