Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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