tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
