even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize