someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
