I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My life is pants optional.
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