im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
