Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
